Honestly it wouldn't be a stretch to say that the main reason I even started doing this to begin with was because of Elf. My goal from the start was to become someone entertaining enough for her to eventually be like "YO, I LOVE THAT CHANNEL, THAT CHANNEL ISN'T GAY"
Really stupid goal huh?
Well it was good enough for me. It's not like I was looking for a collab or anything, to me it was more of a personal thing. Elf constantly gushed about the content creators she liked to watch on her freetime. Being apart of that list would've been the content creator equivalent of a Michelin Star for me. Prior to her I really didn't care much for Vtubers. I still kind of don't. The medium is too oversaturated and boring. Everyone does the same thing and I'm expected to feel as if the Goose is really any different than the Duck.
"Oh but you see, the Goose's bill is more orange than the Duck's bill, and that makes it distinct."
"No you don't get it, the Duck is way smaller than the Goose, and that's part of the charm."
"They occupy different spaces idiot. The Goose likes to hang out on land more than the Duck."
"Are you deaf? The Goose honks and the Duck quacks. Sure they're both asking for your bread, but it's cuter when the Duck does it."
It's all the same. Down to the fucking trends. Heaven forbid if you go against the grain as well. Seems like every "unique" Vtuber I like pisses off the community for not conforming to their beliefs and standards. I'm glad that E-Tuber thing is kicking off, feels like the right kind of monkeywrench for this entire machine.
I'm just being spiteful at this point. Truth is, I just feel like I've wasted time. I haven't taken this content creator thing as seriously as I should've, and now I've lost the reason why I even started. As a result I've sort of been down in the dumps. Like debating this entire persona down in the dumps. From the start of this year I wanted to be more seiso on my streams... but what does that even mean? Follow trends? Repeat whatever jokes the kids are saying? Pretend like dad jokes are the highest form of humor? Great, now I'm literally every other vtuber...
I'm personally dreading streaming now. Everything I want to do, I am not currently capable of. Everything I currently do is too risky to continue, and too mentally draining to keep up consistently. My Kamioshi is fucking dead. No one likes the fucking games I like, so it's not like I can stream them. My best bet is making YouTube videos, but that doesn't fix my streaming issue. I'm debating a hiatus at this point. The only perk I have is that I'm a male vtuber, so eyes aren't on me nor am I expected to uphold any standard.
I'm really going to feel like an idiot if she comes back in like a week. This time it feels like we're actually done for good though. Too many fuck ups in too short a time. If she comes back it won't be as Elf, and I think that's what worries me the most. I'm sure you can think of many instances where a vtuber reincarnates, and even though you know it's the same person... It doesn't really feel like the same streamer.